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Life on Janet's Planet
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June 2003

 

6/10/03
 
Okay, I know it's been a long time since I've updated my journal, and to be honest, I don't even know if there are very many people reading this, but it's as much for me as it is for anyone else....  so here we are.
 
I gave myself a break from updating while I finished moving.  I am so happy in my new home.  It is the first place I have lived in a while that actually feels like MY home and not just a place I rent a room.  I am getting along really well with my roommates and really enjoy their company.  What a plus.   I love to come home, sit in the living room, eat dinner with my roommates, watch movies, etc.  It's the first place I've lived in a while where I feel comfortable having people over.  This was definitely a good decision.  
 
I haven't weighed in a while, so I have no idea how my weight loss is going..  I can say I have fallen off the wagon in terms of several of my good habits.  I haven't been drinking my 64 ounces of water every day.  I don't even have a good excuse for it, just missed one day then it was easier to miss two, then three, etc.  Now I need to get back on track.  Tell ya what, I will do it tomorrow, June 11th.  No ifs ands or buts.   This will be my accountability.  I also was missing out on my vitamins and thyroid.  I just got out of that habit too..  but for that one, I am already back on track.  Yeah Me!   I gave myself a break from exercising while I was moving, and for the last two weeks I have been out of town on business, but as soon as I get back in town, I am going to make the gym my next habit.   I'll keep you posted on how that's going.
 
Other areas of my life....  well, I've been kind of in a funk lately.  I joined an internet dating site for BBW's...  I still am one and will be one for a while.  I don't know that I'll ever be totally thin, nor do I really care.  I just want to get down to a more healthy state.   But here's the thing..  I send out e-mails to a lot of people.  They are all supposedly on this site because they are looking for a relationship and like big girls.   The site tells me when they read my e-mail.  So I see that a lot of guys have read my e-mails but they don't write me back.  This makes me feel so rejected.  I mean, I know I am a great person.  I have a great personality, almost everyone who meets me likes me, I have a lot of love to give, I could totally enrich someones life.  I could understand rejection from people who don't like bigger women.  But you've seen my pictures... I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I do think I am very attractive.  I have brains, great features, and a great personality.  I don't understand why I am still alone and this really hurts.  All I ever wanted, since I was a little kid, was to grow up and be a wife and mom.  I am the kind of person who is very content when I am making other people happy.  Not that I ignore myself, or put my needs to the wayside.  I know how to have balance.  But I am the kind of person who tries to make other people feel special.  And I don't know why I can't get some of that in return.  I deserve it.  And yet it's the one thing in life that continues to allude me.  It hurts.  I cry.   Then I pick myself up and move on.  I have a lot of interests in life, and I pursue those.  But there is still a part of me that feels empty.   But I haven't been filling up the emptiness with food, that is the good part.   I feel confident being in my emotions, whatever they are.  I don't feel like I have to pretend to be happy when I am sad..  I can just be sad.  There are still things in life that bring me joy.  But there are many moments when I am just sad.  I wish this goal was something I could fulfill on my own, but it's not.  It requires a partner.   So all I can do is keep putting it out there and hope that someone finds me worthy..  Someone that I also find worthy!   LOL. 
 
Well, I'll make this it for the day and pat myself on the back for finally updating...