Okay, I know it's been a long time since I've updated my journal, and to be honest, I don't even know if there are very
many people reading this, but it's as much for me as it is for anyone else.... so here we are.
I gave myself a break from updating while I finished moving. I am so happy in my new home. It is the
first place I have lived in a while that actually feels like MY home and not just a place I rent a room. I am getting
along really well with my roommates and really enjoy their company. What a plus. I love to come home, sit
in the living room, eat dinner with my roommates, watch movies, etc. It's the first place I've lived in a while where
I feel comfortable having people over. This was definitely a good decision.
I haven't weighed in a while, so I have no idea how my weight loss is going.. I can say I have fallen off the wagon
in terms of several of my good habits. I haven't been drinking my 64 ounces of water every day. I don't even have
a good excuse for it, just missed one day then it was easier to miss two, then three, etc. Now I need to get back on
track. Tell ya what, I will do it tomorrow, June 11th. No ifs ands or buts. This will be my accountability.
I also was missing out on my vitamins and thyroid. I just got out of that habit too.. but for that one, I am already
back on track. Yeah Me! I gave myself a break from exercising while I was moving, and for the last two weeks
I have been out of town on business, but as soon as I get back in town, I am going to make the gym my next habit.
I'll keep you posted on how that's going.
Other areas of my life.... well, I've been kind of in a funk lately. I joined an internet dating site for
BBW's... I still am one and will be one for a while. I don't know that I'll ever be totally thin, nor do I really
care. I just want to get down to a more healthy state. But here's the thing.. I send out e-mails to
a lot of people. They are all supposedly on this site because they are looking for a relationship and like big girls.
The site tells me when they read my e-mail. So I see that a lot of guys have read my e-mails but they don't write me
back. This makes me feel so rejected. I mean, I know I am a great person. I have a great personality, almost
everyone who meets me likes me, I have a lot of love to give, I could totally enrich someones life. I could understand
rejection from people who don't like bigger women. But you've seen my pictures... I'm not trying to toot my own horn,
but I do think I am very attractive. I have brains, great features, and a great personality. I don't understand
why I am still alone and this really hurts. All I ever wanted, since I was a little kid, was to grow up and be a wife
and mom. I am the kind of person who is very content when I am making other people happy. Not that I ignore myself,
or put my needs to the wayside. I know how to have balance. But I am the kind of person who tries to make other
people feel special. And I don't know why I can't get some of that in return. I deserve it. And yet it's
the one thing in life that continues to allude me. It hurts. I cry. Then I pick myself up and move
on. I have a lot of interests in life, and I pursue those. But there is still a part of me that feels empty.
But I haven't been filling up the emptiness with food, that is the good part. I feel confident being in my emotions,
whatever they are. I don't feel like I have to pretend to be happy when I am sad.. I can just be sad. There
are still things in life that bring me joy. But there are many moments when I am just sad. I wish this goal was
something I could fulfill on my own, but it's not. It requires a partner. So all I can do is keep putting
it out there and hope that someone finds me worthy.. Someone that I also find worthy! LOL.
Well, I'll make this it for the day and pat myself on the back for finally updating...