11/20/00

So I am sitting here and I feel like I am waiting for something big to happen that is going to everything better. So often, I sit at the computer, turn it on and log on to AOL and just expect to find something in there that is going to make my life change... some letter from M to make my day. I am sad because there was no letter from him, I feel like when there is a letter or contact of some kind, like I am so happy, and if there isnt, then I am sad. I hate that that one thing can make my mood. It shouldnt be that way. I should either be happy or sad but not based on some word from some guy. but then I think about him and how he is everything I am looking for, except location, and I think, I don t want to give up on him. but then I feel like I am putting more into it than him, but if I gave up, I would regret it forever. I would always wonder what would have happened.... ugh, even all these thoughts about this make me sad. I shouldnt base my mood on men or love in my life. Yet, right now, I dont even know what to base my moods on... nothing feels right. Every day, I just feel so sad and like I am just fighting for energy, fighting for strength, fighting, searching, looking for some reason to be alive today, some reason to be happy, to keep on going. Some reason to believe it is all worth it, some reason to believe life is worth living and it will get better. But so far I am not sure... right now, I am just low, waiting for the medicine to kick in, waiting to feel excited about something in life, waiting to feel some pride in my accomplishments, waiting for all the work I am doing on myself to kick in and most of all waiting for a response from mike, waiting for love to come in to my life, waiting for love to live in it for the first time. But I cant find it. I know it is all out there.. someday, I am going to turn the corner and find the most amazing things waiting for me on the other side, but every time I get near a corner, I just get so afraid. I dont want to take another step, I am so afraid of finding another monster on the other side, another broken heart, another bad experience. so each corner, I approach with both fear and excitement. I am afraid of the excitement, afraid to believe, afraid to hope, because I am so afraid to be hurt, to find my hopes come up empty once again. But at the same time, I dont want to be hopeless, be someone who is too afraid to get hurt to even live. I dont know what to do, I dont know where the compromise is. So that is what is up with me tonight, as I sit here fighting tears, being sad and feeling like I dont know why, but apparently, I can look at the preceding paragraph and know exactly why. there seems to be so much to deal with, nothing feels stable. I dont know when it will end, when I can start looking forward, when I can stop looking back. So I will just try to be right here, right now, however it feels, it is all I have.