So I weighed in today and I have lost 6 pounds in the last week and a half. Yippee. Looks like the water is working. I managed to get at least 64 ounces of low or no cal fluid in every day for the last week and a day, so that is helping. I am determined to keep it up. One thing that is totally helping is the Crystal Light slurpees. They just taste like such a treat. Also, I am finding it easier to drink water out of little bottles than out of a sippee cup. I have this big sipper cup at work, and when I first started back to work, I was drinking out of that. But I wasnt even getting a whole one down, which would be half of my daily required need. With the water bottles, I can drink a 16 ounce bottle in about a half hour of focused drinking. Do that 4 times a day and I am there.

It was very encouraging to finally see the scale move. Seems like its been so long since it moved more than just the tiniest bit, Id be lying if I said I wasnt discouraged. So that makes a total weight loss of 38 pounds since the surgery and 48 pounds since my consult. I had originally told myself I would go back to the gym after a 50 pound loss, but if I count since my consult, I am almost there. I think its time to get my butt back into the gym, that will help make a big difference, and its an important habit to get into. This is a very busy week for me, so I have decided that I will return to the gym next week. Tuesday of next week (Mondays are support group nights).

Well, this one is a long one, hope you have the patience to endure.

So I am doing great with my 64 ounces of fluid every day and I usually even get more than that. I know last week it made a difference and I was able to lose 6 pounds, Ill find out tonight how I did this week. Even if I didnt lose any weight this week, I know the water is good for me and important to my health. So I will continue with the water no matter what the scale says. I am two weeks in to my new habit and they say it takes 6 weeks to form a new habit, so I have 4 weeks to go before it is solid. I am determined not to miss a day.

So this weekend I also celebrated my triumphant (well, semi-triumphant) return to the gym. I went to the gym on Saturday with my sister. I rode the recumbant bike for 15 minutes and did 3 leg exercises with weights. I wanted to take it easy on my first time back and build up slowly as I dont want to overwhelm my knees or body. My knee did start hurting about 7 minutes into the bike ride, but I continued to pedal away. I also had trouble with it later in the day. I was getting into a van and my knee just buckled. It was weakened from the work out I guess and when I was getting into the van, I wasnt supporting myself enough with my arms. Also, later that night, my knee was hurting but by Sunday, I felt okay. So I am not going to let it stop me, just take it easy and not overdo it. I just joined a new gym and they have a pool and water aerobics classes, so I am going to start going to that. I took water aerobics last summer, and the summer before and I loved it, but last summer, I was still recovering from my car accident and it was too much for my knees. But I know that my success depends on exercise and my knees need to exercise too, so I am just going to go for it and listen to my body and not work it too hard until I know it can take it.

Man, I think I have toxic sweat! As I was riding the bike on Saturday, my eyes were burning from the sweat that was dripping in them. I think maybe its just a high saline content in sweat, or maybe my body is purifying itself of all the chemicals in it. I dont know, but it hurts when I get sweat in my eyes. Id try not to sweat but Ive never been any good at that, just seems to happen.

I was thinking about how I am having such a hard time with "forbidden" foods and how that is always an issue for me. Its a control thing. I dont like anyone saying what I can and cannot do. So to forbid something makes me want it more. Then I was thinking back to my freshman year of college when I lost 40 pounds and it seemed fairly effortless. Also I was thinking back to another time about 6 years ago when I lost a good amount of weight and several clothing sizes. The key to both of them was exercise, but also with both of these weight loss efforts, nothing was forbidden. The exercising made me want to eat healthier. After finishing up at the gym, I just didnt want to eat chips or fries or ice cream. The other thing with the freshman weight loss was that I had one day a week when I could indulge. I was "dieting" (I use that term loosely because we werent really dieting just trying to eat healthy foods) with two of my roommates and every Friday we would pick something we had been craving and do something fun together. So it might be a movie night and pizza, or one night we went to dinner downtown and had chinese food and these really good cookies from a bakery downtown. It was easier to avoid these sabotage foods when we knew we could have them on Friday if we really wanted. And it wasnt like Friday was a day to overindulge on everything we wanted, we just picked something for that night. I think it made a big difference for me.

So long ago, I promised the continuation of my weight gain/diet/weight loss history. I left off at the end of college. I weighed approximately 280 at this time. I think for many years I stayed between 280-290. This seemed to be where I would hover and remain with seemingly no effort. At sometime during my 21^st year, I went on weight watchers with a number of co-workers. What I hated about weight watchers was keeping track of everything, writing it down, the structureyou can only have so many of this and that, etc. What worked was that a few of my co-workers were all doing it together, so we were supporting each other. I think I lost about 13 pounds, but then we all kind of dropped out and I stopped working there. After this, I again weighed about 280-290 for about a year.

At about 22 or 23, I went on Atkins diet with a roommate. I believe I lost about 30 pounds and got down to about 250. But I soon became bored with this and my weight quickly shot back up to about 280-290. That seemed to be where my body thought it belonged. After a few months, I went on Medifast with one protein meal a day. But that became too expensive and too boring as well, so that didnt last long. Although I believe I did lose about 20 pounds or so. But again, after that I went back up to about 280-290. I tried the Gods plan diet.. eating foods that are from Godwhole grains, protein, fruits, vegetables,etc. But that didnt really show any significant weight loss and I soon abandoned it. I also tried Susan Powter. That lasted only a short while too.

My next big weight loss effort happened when I was 26. It started with just exercising and I wasnt on a diet at all during that time. I just wanted to exercise and eat healthy. I was working full time and going to school full time and also was very active in my church. So I had very little spare time. Now I love to read. I find reading a good book so engaging, I just seem to slip right into whatever little world is created. But with such a busy schedule, there was little time for reading. I made a rule that I could read whatever I wanted as long as I was on the exercise bike. All other time was filled with activities, work, school, chores or homework. Because of this, I went to the gym nearly everyday and would ride the bike for an hour. I loved that time because it was the only time I could read whatever pleasure book I was enjoying at the moment. After a while, I just loved the feeling that working out gave me. This lasted for about a year. Although I only lost 23 pounds during that time, I went down several sizes as I lost fat and gained muscle. My body structure totally changed, I lost some of the curves and just became more lean looking, even though I was still heavy. Unfortunately, after a year, I soon found myself with severe bronchitis and I stopped going to the gym during that time. After that, I never really got my rhythm back and soon found my regular gym routine a thing of the past. Shortly after this, I began working at a state funded pre-school that had a food program. My breakfast and lunch were provided by the center and I cant say that they were very healthy. The food program is designed to include foods from all food groups but is high in calories as the children who are participating usually dont get good nutrition outside of the center. The menu was designed to represent all their calories needed for the day. This new high-fat, high calorie diet combined with the fact that I was no longer working out caused the weight to creep back on. The scary thing about it is you never see it happening. It comes on so slowly. Its almost as if you wake up one morning and look in the mirror and you have gained 50 pounds.

During this time, I ballooned up to 320. My highest at the time. I was very surprised one day to see that number on the scale. 300 pounds was always this number I thought Id never let myself reach (although I hovered just below this number for so long. I think I was reassured by the fact that I always settled in at 280-290 so I never really thought Id go above that number). Its funny how we pick these numbers that we think well never go over, but as soon as we do, we just extend the mark. I remember thinking Ill never go over 250, then it was 300, then 350. But so far, I have managed not to go over 400 and with this new life, I hope I can keep that from happening. After a friend began taking Phen-fen, I decided to give it a try. I quickly lost about 15 pounds to get down to 305, but then had some stress in my life (loss of job, death of a friend) and I soon quit taking it. I changed jobs to an office setting, I was significantly less active and also found myself in an environment where there was always a lot of foodsnack machines on every floor, potlucks, candy baskets out on desks. I quickly found myself up about 345.

At that time, I turned 30. I began to really examine my life and I made a decision. I was fat. I might always be fat. Despite a lifetime of efforts, I had never been able to change the fact that I was fat. Perhaps I never would. I was wasting too much of my life waiting to be thin. All the things I was going to do/have when I was thin. They were all just pipe dreams unless I started making them happen. So I decided why wait until I was thin? It was time to live now. And I began living. I hated looking in the mirror at my fat body. Every morning when getting in and out of the shower I forced myself to look at myself. After a while, I was no longer think, "Ugh, what a fat body", but instead thought only neutrally "Thats my body". I began to subscribe to Mode Magazine (now defunct), a magazine that was about being a larger woman (though not necessarily as large as I was). I read an article about dating and was introduced to the BBW internet scene via BBWcity. I soon began dating a guy I met off of that site. The first time I was naked with him, I was so self conscious. I remember him telling me how cute and sexy I was. Whenever I would spend time at his house, he would always tell me to take my clothes off, I would walk around the house naked. I cant believe it he really helped me gain a confidence in my beauty. During the time I dated him, I began to lose weight. Not because I was trying to, but because food was no longer that important. Once I made a decision to stop fighting my weight, I no longer needed food to rebel. Whereas before, I would eat a ½ gallon of ice cream until it was gone, now a pint would last me a month or more. Just a taste would do. It was amazing. I lost about 60-70 pounds and soon found myself at 275.

I think too, part of what helped was a regular sex life. For me, it seems there are three things that I turn tofood, sex and shopping. If I cant have one, I want one of the others. They can all be addictions and I have to be wise.

I was maintaining my weight for about a year. I felt happy, healthy, I had energy. I was making positive changes in my life. Then in the summer of 2000, I was raped by a man I was dating. This caused a number of things to happen. I went into a severe depression, I lost confidence in myself and my ability to trust myself. I felt betrayed by my instincts. I was mad at myself for putting myself in a position of vulnerability. I turned to food for comfort. The other thing that happened during this time is that I moved in with another BBW and seemed to have friends that were mostly in the BBW scene. It became acceptable to be fat, to eat what you wanted, there was no guilt. My weight quickly came back on. The stress on my joints, my health, my confidence, my wardrobe were all immediately affected. I became hard to find stylish clothes that fit. I hated my wardrobe. I hurt all the time. Somedays I could barely walk. Then came the fateful car accident that injured my already sore knees. Then I really couldnt walk. As the summer of 2002 approached, I wanted to do something about my weight. I knew from past experiences that the best approach is exercise. I knew that once I began an exercise routine, the rest would fall into place. Thats how it always worked best for me in the past. I began taking water aerobics classes and joined a gym. Within weeks of beginning to exercise, my knees became increasingly worse. I missed work because I could not walk. My back was also injured in the car accident (as well as one the year before, so I was dealing with two car accidents a year apart), and that began to hurt more with the increased activity. I knew something had to give.

One night in July of 2002, I was on my way to a friends house for a Barbecue. She had recently had the Lap-Band surgery and another woman there had recently had the Gastric Bypass. I had four other friends who had had gastric bypass in 2002. They were all doing great, losing weight, gaining energy and feeling better. I started to wonder why I was so resistant. If this was a treatment that could help, why wouldnt I want to have it too? I talked a lot to my friends that night, why they made their decision and how it had changed their lives, what life was like after wards, etc. As I was driving home, I made my decision.

Even though I made my decision that night, I didnt jump into it. I took some time to research it. I talked to my family and made sure I had their support. They were scared for me, but supportive. They understood why I was making this decision and they knew that without weight loss, my health was in jeopardy. I finally talked to my primary care doctor in October and got my referral to the surgeon. Things flowed smoothly after that and here I am today. My all time high (that I know of, since I was not always stepping on a scale) is 366. I hope to never go near that number again, but I know there is still a lot of work ahead of me; emotional work and physical work as I get back on a fitness routine. But I know I can do it, I just need to take each change one at a time until I have them mastered. I began with water, now I am adding exercise. Next I am going to get these cravings under control. But I know I need to take it slow, or else I will get overwhelmed. There is no giving up, I went through too much to give up. I just need to be patient with myself, forgiving and focused. Thats all for now.