01/01/01

Some thoughts for a new millenium

Just wanted to capture some thoughts and feelings today. Looking back over the year, I wanted to capture what 2000 was like for me. I think there were some highlights and some lowlights.. I remember sitting at the cabin on New Years Day last year, staring out the window at the fresh snow. Everything felt so clean and pure. Like a fresh start. I had good feelings about this year, like this was it for me, good things were going to come. And some did, but not what I expected. So here it is, the bad and the good.

Worst moments: Finding out I was the other woman.  Putting up with things from men because I wanted to believe they cared.  Weird stomach pains with no cause, all the medical tests with no answers, my poor performance at work sometimes, continuing to give my heart to men only to get it squashed, my frequent illnesses, my depression, the canceling of the CRMS project, the company's poor performance

Best moments: Growing friendships , performing well on a project at work, getting through all the shit, learning more about myself, I think one of my favorite moments this year was back in March.. driving up to the valley with some friends to go karaoke and bowl. Sitting in the back of the convertible, freezing, listening to music, remembering and still being in the emotional pain but trying to get back to me, and realizing what brings joy in life, being with friends, laughing, etc.

1/16/01

So I am thinking about what it felt like as a child and how I didn't feel special in anyones life.. like I was the only. The best, the something. I think about instances where I felt this way and how this feeling motivates me even now how I make choices in my life, based on some need.

I remember in Kindergarten when I was going over to Jodys after school, and we were walking with Jenny. When Jenny went to part ways, Jody got so upset that she wanted to play with Jenny, not with me. And I remember feeling so left out, not appreciated, like Jody didnt really like me.. I think I am very sensitive. It is really easy for me to jump to conclusions, believe that someone doesnt like me I judge myself so harshly and sometimes I am surprised when someone likes me.

I remember when I would hear stories about my Grandma Louise and how special I was to her, how she named me, her last words were about me, and how she wanted to stay alive to watch me grow up (well, really, both me and my sister).. and I think, she would have been the one, I would have been special to her, I would have been her favorite grandchild..

And I remember feeling like I was always in competition with my sister. I grew up thinking that she was the pretty one and I was the smart one. I couldnt see myself as pretty because she was skinny and I was not, so to me, that meant that I was not pretty. And when my friends liked her, and when she seemed to have so many friends and I struggled to make them, it affirmed that feeling. She was special. I was no one.

And I think that in my desperate search for acceptance, for that feeling of being special, being appreciated, I pushed people out of my life, I needed them too much, more than they wanted to be needed.

And I have been thinking about men.. and how my standard operating procedure is when I have been hurt by a man, to immediately find a new one, to pour it all into.. so I can avoid my feelings of pain, I find what I think will be a source of joy. And when that one falls apart, I find the next one. I believe what they tell me because it is what I want to hear, what I have been trying to hear for my whole life.. You are special, beautiful, loved.  And I pretend the words are real.